Let's Talk About Our Privilege

On Tuesday my sweetie took me out on an amazing date to celebrate Valentine's Day. I felt like I was being wooed and wined (well gin and tonic-ed) and dined. We feasted on muscles and scallops.  Perfectly cooked steak and duck in cherry sauce. Decadent desserts finishing our meal.  We were stuffed and clearly content.  We left the restaurant and walked to the car.  The air outside was way to cold for the thin cardigan I was wearing. My steps were quick and I flew into my seat eager to turn on the seat warmer.

Craig and I talked back and forth.  Sometimes about shallow things, occasionally diving deeper into the pond of conversation topics. Then he said it... with bit of a chuckle and not intending to lay down any guilt he said "We spent more on that dinner than some people spend on food for a whole week."

There is was staring me in the face.  The struggle between being thankful for the incredible gifts I have been given and realizing the overwhelming privilege I have. It is a battle to stave off the shame of indulgence and find joy in the the extravagant when brothers and sisters around the world are trying to stretch their meager food stores to last just one more day.

Raspberry Brownie, Hazelnut Cheesecake and Creme Brulee

Because the truth is I loved that Craig loves me abundantly, showering affection and luxury on me for these extraordinary nights out.  I am thankful for the tiny table and the crunchy creme brulee topped with cinnamon and a raspberry (and the hazelnut cheese cake if we're being totally honest). I'm thankful for the efforts he made beforehand, making a reservation and choosing this lovely restaurant.

Yet mixed with that attitude of gratitude there is sadness for people who don't know those same gifts. Those who don't know where their next meal is coming from.

I'm not sure how to reconcile this privilege with the mandate to feed the hungry right now... Other than to give what I have in each opportunity placed on the path I'm walking and be very grateful for what I am given.

How do you reconcile your privilege with others lack? Is it possible to be both generous and indulgent?

Don't Skip Valentine's Day

We've all heard it before... "Valentine's Day is a holiday Hallmark made up." "The cost of roses triples on Valentine's Day!"  "My husband/wife knows I love him/her every other day of the year. I don't need to make Valentine's Day special."

I seriously beg to differ here folks.  A quick Google search will tell you that Hallmark is not the inventor of Valentine's Day, even if they are cashing in big time on the occasion.

 Saint Valentine is the patron saint of lovers, engaged couples and happy marriages (as well as bee keepers and epilepsy just to give you your trivia quota for the day) and that is truly exciting!

Let's think of it this way.  There is a day set aside each year to celebrate love and happy marriages!  In a world where we are bombarded with terrible statistic about separation and divorce,  there is a day to remember that strong wonderful marriages exist and are worth celebrating,

  Bonnie over at The Koala Bear Writer has some fantastic Valentine's ideas that do not include triple marked up flowers or heart shaped boxes of candy. I would be ridiculously giddy about nearly everything on her list... Especially a date of reading and discussing with my Craigy... (Sorry about the mushy... but me on it's Valentine's)

If your excuse is the cost of Valentine's Day... well I gotta say I think that's pretty much a moot point.  Creativity trumps cost my friend.  Being low on funds does not get you off the hook.  Fresh baked cookies and a note in a lunch box can be the perfect way to let your spouse know that you are thrilled they are your Valentine.  Clean dishes and toilets also whisper (or in my case scream like a fangirl) "I Love YOU!"

Don't skip Valentine's Day my friends! Celebrate the love!

What are your Valentine's plans?

Ezer k'gnedo... The Help That Opposes

Dear Traditional North American Church,

It's been a while since we last talked.  Admittedly I have been more of an outside observer than a participant  inside your walls over the last year, but I have noticed something that I'd like to bring to your attention,

You tell the women in your congregations to be submissive, that men are the spiritual head of their household.  You have created a tradition of male leadership and your opinions about the roles of males and females in good Christian families has been accepted by many as doctrine.  I think you may have missed a few things when you choose to hold that idea in a tightly closed fist.

You neglected to tell us that in Genesis when God created Eve He was not creating a servant for Adam.  The Hebrew words for "helpmeet" (Which by the way is a word that was coined around about 1604) (Genesis 2:18) are Ezer k'gnedo which means "the help that opposes."

"The Rabbis explain this term like two posts of equal weight leaned against one another.  They stand because of equal force." (A Year of Biblical Womanhood, Rachel Held Evans).

 Eve was not less than Adam.  She was created to be his companion, they were intended to mutually exist and support each other.

You've left out the background information of Paul's Letters and given us isolated verses on which to base our marriages.  I have never heard an explanation from the pulpit of Greco Roman household codes and how they play into Paul's views and instructions.  I believe this is crucial context to understanding the time and culture Paul wrote in and the pattern of marital relationships back then.

What about Eshet Chayil?  Woman of valor!  Somewhere along the line you forgot to tell our men about this.  Perhaps you didn't realize that proverbs 31:10-31 is not a prescription for a woman, but praise for a wife from her husband.

Church, some of our marriages are based on these patriarchal teachings that have been upheld so that those with the most power in our society maintain that power.  Details have been left out and we have trusted you and your somewhat skewed interpretations of scripture.  I know women who started out their holy unions believing that a good Christian wife is submissive in all things and now they are realizing the lack of freedom in their situations.This is a heavy burden to have placed on the women of God.

I am saddened by the worry and heart ache I see in some of my sisters whose natural bent is not to stay quiet and obey.  I am saddened that my friends who feel the call to leadership are silenced.  I'm saddened by the sermons that are not being preached by women, because they are women and their voices are proclaimed  to lack authority when they speaks to the males of our species..

  Perhaps it's time for a few revisions on popular church practices?

I appreciate your attention to these matters Church.

*Please note: I have used the term church here in the broad sense.  There are some wonderful, life giving churches out there that lift up and affirm all of their people... for that I applaud you.

Dear Craig... Happy Birthday

Look at that face! Handsome right?  Oh yes ladies and he is all mine!

Dear Craig,

You are the smartest human being I have ever met.  I am far less stressed in the face of adversity because I just know you will have a solution to any problem I may have... or cause... ahem...

Not only do you have mega mind but you are absolutely hilarious too!  Remember that time you told the church I swore while I was in labor!  Yup pretty funny!  Seriously though you have made me belly laugh more times than I can count over the years.  I love that about you.

Life is an adventure when you plan it. Like when we were the only people dressed up for a retro rock tribute concert.

You are ridiculously attractive... in the tall dark sense, with a curl my toes, be still my heart, smile. And your arms!  Don't even get me started on those arms! (Sorry blog readers but really you had to know this as gonna get mushy).

You should probably get a chest tattoo that says: Super Dad... because there is nothing truer than that.  You are a parenting champ.

I love that you are generous and kind, patient and thoughtful.

I love you.  I love you for 1001 reasons and maybe for next year's blog post I will start now writing the list. (Actually don't get your hopes up it's taken me quite a while to get to 500 /1000 gifts).

Happy Birthday Craigy!

Thankful Thursday...#25

Thankful thursday is a long deep breath this week.  Something soothing to do... making a list of what I am thankful for.

1. Waking up early and feeling like there is a whole extra part of the day ahead of me. 
2. Helping Delaney clean up Lego and hearing her sweet little voice say "Thank you for helping me mama."
3. New, soft, patterned leggings.
4. After Eight Tea... it feels like a guiltless treat in my mug.
5. "How are you?" checkup calls from my sweet understanding Twyla girl.
6. Yesterday is gone.
7. Jam and sourdough bread.
8. My Craigy who leaves me love letters.
9. Folks who have helped me raise money for Julie's 30th Birthday CF Fundraiser
10. Watching my children play with each other.

photo credit: woodleywonderworks via photopin cc

Because This... 17th Edition

A few of my favorite photos and links from the past week:

While I think "Simple" could be taken out of the title... there are a lot of wise and practical tips in 13 Simple Tricks to a Long and Happy Marriage

I believe I need to read 10 Things to Do Differently Before You Lose Your Temper over and over again... It's a blog post that makes you feel like the writer (Lisa-Jo Baker) is in your corner.

What did you enjoy reading this week?

The Darkness Lasts for The Night...

Warning:  This is the story of our first miscarriage... written because I think it's an important story and stories need to be shared...

See that fresh faced couple there?  They have no idea what the next two years are about to bring them...  In about 7 months they will have conceived their first baby... A surprise... But a welcome surprise... Even though they are still trying to figure out how to be married... How to be good Christians... How to navigate regular life.

On a January afternoon there was a faint second line on the stick... That loving young man called the 1-800 number on the box...to find out what exactly did that mean?  A line is a line... We were pregnant.

So the girl made a doctors appointment... And she took the doctor's test... Negative.
Off to the lab for blood work... And when she called my doctor's receptionist the next day she was told the results said negative... Not pregnant.

Until 5 minutes later... The receptionist called back to tell the girl she had given her the wrong results... Pregnant... They were pregnant!

With naive elation that young wife told the world... Parents and grandparents... Church folks... Grocery store clerks. The couple  floated on plans... And dreams.

The spotting started the next week... But that was ok because Google said some spotting is normal.
Then there was a little more blood... So they headed to the E.R.
The doctor told her she might be having a little miscarriage...

A Cure For The Crankies...

I'm having a cranky day... My husband made a comment to me that I didn't appreciate... We are out of milk... Sooo no coffee... My house feels cluttered and out of control... And I have been partying it up at late social functions the past two nights.  

So I'm doing what a dear friend told me that she did when she was in a "bad place"...I've made a nest of blankets and I'm curled up with my iPad... I open up my bible app and lo and behold the verse of the day: 

14 Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. Hebrews 12:14

Then I dig a little deeper... Change up the version: 

Hebrews 12:14The Message (MSG)

14-17 Work at getting along with each other and with God. Otherwise you’ll never get so much as a glimpse of God. Make sure no one gets left out of God’s generosity. Keep a sharp eye out for weeds of bitter discontent. A thistle or two gone to seed can ruin a whole garden in no time. Watch out for the Esau syndrome: trading away God’s lifelong gift in order to satisfy a short-term appetite. You well know how Esau later regretted that impulsive act and wanted God’s blessing—but by then it was too late, tears or no tears.

I am grateful that these words didn't come as a sucker punch... That they feel like life... Like God breathing into me and not forsaking me.  

I know that I am loved here in the depths of my cranky... Where nothing can be right... But I am not abandoned here... to rot in my own crappy selfish attitude.

My perspective is very quickly changed when I take my eyes off myself... 

photo credit: massdistraction via photopin cc

What I Learned While on Vacation

Our family has taken two kinda of vacations this summer... A beach vacation where we stayed at Grandpa and Grandma's... Ate gourmet food every night... Had (plenty) of wine... And seriously relaxed.

The second was hair straight back... 4 tourist trap... Err attractions... In 3 days... Here's what I learned during trip #2:

1. I can pack way less stuff... I have been wearing the same jeans for three days... They are the only pants I packed and it has been raining.

2. My toddler can sleep with distractions around her... All 5 of us in a hotel room worked really well.

3. Sometimes the fun things you plan are not nearly as fantastic as the hotel swimming pool.

4. There is an exhibit at Science World with pictures of life sized naked people...

5. I will look like my Grandma K when I am 70...

6. I now need a rest after my vacation...

There Is Hope In This Day...

Divorce is an epidemic in my family... my parents are each married... for the third time... my grandparents are each divorced and remarried... a few aunts and uncles are still on marriage #1... but not many.

 For this reason Craig and I are diligently investing in our marriage... and yesterday we came to a milestone... 10 years married...

If you look closely there are clues that we have been together a while... my post babies soft squishy middle...

the craziness...

That fuels our passion...

and our skills to nap anywhere...

We have loved, fought, made up, made out and grown these last 10 years... and even though time changes us... and we discover hidden secrets still... we are still here... committed... loving... and that is tremendously hopeful.

Oh and I just HAVE to show off my anniversary bling...

 

10 Fun Facts About Me...

1. I am FUN! I love to laugh... I am the kind of girl who is always ready for an adventure and I am very spur of the moment
2. I am not really a woodsy person... I don't like bugs... or the smell of evergreen trees... or rough terrain... it's just really not my ideal environment.
3. I really like to decorate... but I'm not very good at picking paint colours.
4. If my hair looks good I feel pretty.
5. I love a good conversation... especially if there are endless cups of coffee.
6. My favourite time to pray is at night... when the lights are out... and I am tucked in my bed... and I can feel God's presence in the quiet.
7. I love thoughtful gifts... Those little things that tell me somebody loves me.
8. I'm not a morning person... I never ever have been... having 3 children has not changed that... do not ask me to make important decisions in the morning...
9. I read Amish fiction sometimes... Don't judge...
10. I want to get married again... to the same person... just different dress and include some different people on the guest list... and different food...

What about you?  What are some interesting things you want to tell me?

The Right Interpretation

There has been a season of bickering in my marriage... a season of stress from a move, of unmet (unwarranted) expectations, and ungratefulness...a season of jealousy... where I envied my husbands freedom and overlooked all of the things he does for me, for our family.

I was in a group of women a few years ago who studied the book Love and Respect by Emerson Eggrichs.  At the time it was a wonderful and enlightening, marriage improvement book... but I tossed that knowledge aside in the deconstruction of my faith.

A few nights ago I was looking through the kindle books I had not yet read and came across Have a New Husband By Friday by Kevin Leman... In my unhappy marital desperation I clicked on the book... I barely started the first chapter when it I had a light bulb moment!  Respect... something I was seriously failing at.

Now however respect means something different to me... It means noticing the good... encouraging Craig... and clearly stating the things I need from our relationship instead of expecting him to be a mind-reader.

Respect does not mean bowing to Craig's every decision... asking permission before I make minor decisions... It means I have a voice to use wisely and with love.

So not everything I have been taught about marriage was wrong... It just needed the right interpretation.

**Note** I don't agree with everything that the books in this post have to say... and I only read part of the first chapter of Have a New Husband by Friday and probably won't read the rest.