How I'm Creating an Environment of Belonging

I've been on the road quite a bit over the last few day, and that has given me some multitasking moments to finish Daring Greatly by Brene` Brown ...on audio book... Don't worry, I am not so confident in my multitasking to think that I can read and drive at the same time.
Now I know I wrote about this same book last week, but it's had quite an impact on me... and well it's my blog and I'll write about what I want to write about. :)

So Brene` and I have been travelling around together and she is making some phenomenal points about whole heartedness and being the adult that I want my children to grow up to be... and then she brings up the difference between fitting in and belonging.

A Facebook status she wrote in 2012 sums it up quite well... 12 year old wisdom on fitting-in vs. belonging: "If I get to be me, I belong. If I have to be like you, it's fitting in." Amen. 

I don't often write about homeschooling on this blog... in fact I have a whole different blog for that... but I do write about mothering and sometimes the homeschool part of my parenting overflows.

One of the reasons I homeschool my children is because I want them to have the freedom to be who they want to be in a place where they feel like they belong no matter what.  I want them to be able to experiment with their mannerisms and tweak their personalities in a place where they feel safe to do so and are free from peer influence that may dictate that they experiment with other peoples behaviors, or be demoted to the bottom of the classroom pecking order.

The scary part is, after making a statement like that, I need to examine whether or not that is true in my home.

Ways I'm creating an environment of belonging well:

• I have been exploring who I am and modelling growth and positive change for my kids. Since January I have completed the Upstream Field Guide, I have been working through The Grief Recovery Handbook with a friend, and I have sought out books like Daring Greatly.  All of these courses and books are adding awesomeness to the way I think and move through life, and hopefully showing my kids that we never stop growing. 
• I'm empowering my kids to make their own choices. It's taken me 30 some odd years to be able make solid decisions about opportunities that come my way.  And I'm still not that confident about the my final verdicts.  I am starting early with my kids and letting them decide about a lot of the events and classes available to them.  Not all of them though... because really I am still the mom.  
• I try new things. On a recent trip to Vancouver I tried Ramen for the first time... did I love it? No... but how would I know unless I tried.  I didn't make my kids try it.  They ate tried and true pasta and meat sauce, but they saw me try it and I hope they took notice.  I've also taken a mug making class which inspired my 2 oldest children to sign up for a 10 week pottery course.  We are working o being adventurous together.
• I step back. Sometimes I have to hold my hands together to keep from "correcting" an art project. I have to close my lips about a "creative" outfit choice or hair style ... but I do it.  I do it because this is their time to figure out what they like and hopefully they will have a strong sense of what it means to belong vs. fit in. 
• I am available. As much as I step back, I am also there.  I am there to give guidance on a project.  I am there to hear the story of how so and so's heart was broken by an unkind sibling.  I am there to join in the grief and joy of their childhood.

I will try embrace this silliness

Ways I could improve our environment to be have more belonging:

• Embrace silly. I really struggle with silly.  The immature senses of humor of my 3, 6 and 9 year old children sometimes make me cringe, but if my goal is to allow my children to explore who they are in a loving and safe place... I need to get on board the funny ferry and laugh along.
• Talk about it. Working toward greater belonging just might go unnoticed if I don't actually inform the rest of my family of my goal... but telling people about your goal and then sometimes failing in front of them is a scary, vulnerable thing, which obviously makes it a conversation we need to have. 
• Asking for help. I tell my kids all the time... bring me your books, just ask me for help... but I'm not a very good example of this.  I really don't like to be the student and I am often stressed out to ask question to clarify things.  I don't like to look or feel stupid.

Brene` has a printable on her site called The Whole Hearted Parenting Manifesto.  It's a beautiful declaration of who I want to be as Hudson, Meadow and Delaney's mother.  I have plans to print and frame it. 

Is your home a place of belonging or of fitting in?  What are you doing well?

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Ramblings of a Travelling Minimalist

I glanced around the one bedroom hotel suite that all five of us were using as home base for two nights in Vancouver late last week.  
"How many square feet is this hotel room?" I asked Craig.  
"Oh I don't know maybe 400? 350?" He guessed
I wondered if we could all live in a small space like this?  Could we ever get to a point that we have so little that we could live in a wee cottage of a house?  I don't even know if that's something I want to turn into a goal.  Tiny houses both fascinate and horrify me.  

Anyway here's what I learned about our family's minimalist tendencies on our mini vacation:

Our kids understand the 1 in 1 out policy

Hudson actually made a deal with us one evening, "If I get rid of 7 toys could I buy 1 new toy with my own money?"  How could we pass up such an amazing bargain.  So before we left both Hudson and Meadow dutifully purged their toys.

Cutest mama lemur stuffy you ever did see!

The kids market on Granville Island is crazy overwhelming!

With Christmas money still burning a hole in their pockets we took our kiddos to the Kids Market... there are like a bajillion stores with tiny toys and stuffies and puppets and books and dolls and magic tricks and candy and dress up costumes and... my head was spinning.  Hudson managed to chose a magic trick and some crazy cool silly putty type stuff, Delaney was tickled pink with the purchase of a stuffed Pinky Pie, My Little Pony. Meadow left disappointed that the Elsa dolls and costumes were not in her budget, but I was proud of her for not settling and just buying what she could afford so she would have something new.

Sidenote: I did manage to tear myself away from the Harry Potter paraphernalia with out a snitch or a sorting hat!

It's OK to see something on sale and buy it without an intentional search for that item.

After Granville Island we spent a ton of time at Science World.  We intentionally chose to spend money on going to the Omnimax theater and enjoying that clutterless experience.  We also intentionally chose to exit Science World through the gift shop.  "What in the world were you thinking!" you may be exclaiming at your computer screen right now... but I assure you it was all rational thought.  Our children still had some money and we were there to guide them away from glow in the dark stars toward more educational products. Although we did let Delaney squander her funds on 2 stuffed Lemurs... she's 3 and it's open ended imaginative play right?

Isn't it lovely! Decompose a banana in 10 days!

Right there in the discount bin is where I first laid eyes on my semi impulse purchase. A compost observation kit.  Oh yes!  Every homeschool mom's dream and it was 50% off!  And if you want to borrow it when we're done with it I'm totally cool with that (as long as you are local).

We did really well!

Did we come home with more than we left with? Yes!  Were we prepared for that? Yes! Did our purchases overwhelm us? No! Was this trip a success in terms of maintaining minimalism?  I think so!

How do you handle travel spending and souvenirs?  

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4 Intentional Ways I am Loving on My Kids

It's Valentine's Day on Saturday so around here we are all about love this week. Yesterday I wrote about loving the world.  Today I'm going to shrink the circle a bit and talk about loving on my kids.

Books at the Table

Around the Scott house we have been making a few changes and setting some goals.  One of my goals is to read a story from The Jesus Storybook Bible to my children at the breakfast table... Not only am I spending focused time with them first thing in the day, but they are also hearing repeatedly about God's love for them.  And they are really quiet and eat without complaining which is a huge bonus for this mama who is not a natural rise and shiner.

She picked the BEST flavour... Chocolate cake.

Special Night

Our family has a tradition called "special night".  We just revamped how this works... it used to be that special nights were 3 days a week (1 for each kid) and the special kid that night got to stay up a little later, play on the iPad and sleep in mom and dad's room... This was good and all, but Craig and I felt like we weren't really connecting with our kids on these nights.  Plus having a kid in your bed 3 nights a week is a bit of a hindrance on mom and dad's special nights if you know what I mean ;)
Now special nights are once a week and Craig and I alternate taking a kid out on a date each Friday.  So last week I took just Meadow to Menchies and Next week Craig will take Hudson out somewhere and the week after that I will take Delaney on a date, then the following week Craig will take Meadow... and so on.  Alone time with each kiddo, because I want to be a mother who knows her children.

Happy Pills

We are a homeschool family and that sometimes means I become the coach around here barking at the players to just make it to the finish line.  "Get the work done!"  Not one of my finer roles.  So when I do notice one of my kiddos becoming frustrated  I quickly grab a jellybean from my stash and sneak it to that child.  We usually share a smile, and it reminds that overwhelmed student that we are on the same team and I am here to help. 

A little walk by herself

Small Freedoms

When my bigger kids become... shall we say a bit unruly, I send them for a walk to the top of our steep long driveway.  Hopefully this will reset their brains and bodies back to human behavior and away from baboon behavior.  Not too long ago Delaney, my 3 year old, told me she wanted to go for a little walk by herself.  So I let her.  To the top of the drive way and back,  She was elated!  

A lot of times we think it's the grand gestures and giant gifts that let our children know we love them... when in fact it's the little things done with intention that fill up their little hearts.

What intentional things are you doing to love on your kids?

An Adoption Story... 3 Generations Later

My Grandma was adopted.  There was never a time I can remember, that I didn't know this.  Maybe it was because it wasn't a secret that it was also not a big deal to me. In fact it really had no effect on my life.  Why would it.  I am three generations away from the situation.  I was raised by my biological parents and I am close to my biological grandparents. I know my people.

My Grandma (left) and her sister Kathy

Then in July 2014 I met my long lost great aunt Kathy... one of my Grandma's biological sisters.  We sat on my mom's deck and I am a little embarrassed to admit that I studied her.  The way she talked, the way she sat, her facial expressions.  I tried to soak up all of the alikeness I could observe between this new to me family member and us.  My Grandma, my Mom and I.

Kathy and I became Facebook friends... because, well I like her... and I assume that is protocol in the 21st century with long lost family members.

One day this photo showed up in my newsfeed:

My Great Grandmother with some of her grandchildren

When I saw it my body had some sort of grievous joy reaction... Not only did my Grandmother's Mother look like her... She acted like her too!  I bawled... clearly the fact that my grandma had been adopted about 68 years earlier was no longer not affecting me.  

(Clockwise from top left) My Great Grandmother Katherine (Kay). my Grandma Louise (age 37), Me, my Mother Lila (age 30)

My own mom pointed out to me recently that when I was born I was only the third blood relative my Grandma had ever met.  (The first two being my mom and uncle).  Profound really. 

Unfortunately by the time my Grandma found her biological family Kay had been deceased for about two years.  She was the only great grandmother that I had never met and that makes me a little sad.  

Kay with her young children (my Grandma's biological siblings)

What I can tell from reading what Kathy to me wrote about Kay she was an overcomer.

"The things I remember most about my mother are her strength and humor. She was also very intelligent, although the girls in their family did not have much education."

She was brave.

After my dad died, mom had to essentially start over.She was in her 50s, had to leave the farm, find a new place to live and a job. She moved to where we, Carol (my grandma's other sister) and I were going to school, rented a place and went out and found work. This was very courageous, because she had not had a paying job in decades."

She is perhaps where my urge to homeschool comes from:

"Some of my earliest memories are of playing cards with my parents. Mom was always very patient with teaching us, so Carol and I could play solitaire and cribbage before we went to school. (I used wonder why the other kids couldn't count by twos and fives) She taught us to knit and crochet."

Here I am 3 generations away from a young woman who gave up a baby girl for adoption and kept it a secret from nearly everyone, marveling over our similar noses, crying over her other children and grandchildren's memories, giggling over the fact that "she had a wicked sense of humor and would come out with an unexpected (and inappropriate at times) zinger when least expected."  

One rarely wonders what the consequences of our choices will be on future descendants.  I suppose even without trying we live in the moment.  I would imagine that as Kay's belly was swelling with child and she was preparing to bring her infant into the world, she thought of her baby and what that wee one would be... 

I wonder if she thought about my Grandma's family.  Tried to picture what her grandchildren would be like... and what kind of mother her daughter was. 

I ponder the hurt she must have felt giving up her wee baby and carrying that secret for so long.

I wish that I had gotten known her.

Capsule Kitchens

There's a new idea circulating social media.  In the minimalist circles at least... it's called a capsule kitchen.  It's similar to a capsule wardrobe. 

With a capsule wardrobe you only have a certain amount of clothing items and you can generally mix and match those items to create various outfits. Case in point my 33 items of clothing for 3 months commitment.

When it comes to a capsule kitchen replace clothing items with food.  So for 3 months you only shop for and eat 33 food items which you can of course eat on their own or use in recipes with some of the other items on your list.

This fascinates me.  I mean really how great would it be to have your shopping list streamlined for 3 months.  Eat more in season produce and get your creative juices flowing to try new recipes.  Exciting right?

It also terrifies me.  I mean how much zucchini and squash can a person eat?  And what about cravings?  What if I really want Kraft Dinner?  But it's not on my list of 33 foods... so I don't even have it in the house... and then I just stand there staring at my sadly bare cupboard... totally uninspired because there is no mac and cheese!  Do you feel the anxiety?

I promise to let you know if I decide to take this on.

What do you think?  Does the idea of a capsule kitchen appeal to you?  What would be on your list?

Saturday Mornings

My Saturday mornings generally aren't on Saturdays... because of Craig's work schedule Saturday mornings around here are every other Wednesday.

I love the morning of Craig's first day off.  Regular things still happen... school work, chores, noise... but I join the common chaos a little later than usual.  After everyone has been fed and just maybe the dishwasher has been unloaded from the night before.

Sometimes I call Craig back to bed for a few extra moments of extracting his body heat with my frozen feet, before I peel back my warm covers and join the rest of my family in the world of awake that lays just beyond my bedroom door.

Often there is coffee waiting for me when I emerge, and everybody knows that coffee made lovingly, by someone who knows just how you like it, is a decadent treat to savor.

We try really hard to have nothing planned for that first Wednesday.  It's not always possible, but when it is the luxury of having a whole day to spend together makes me giddy.

Sigh Saturday Mornings... no matter what day you happen... I adore you.

Do you have Saturday morning rituals?  What do you love about the first day off in your week?

The Wonderful World of Kids and Technology

About a month ago I got a text from my kid's Auntie "We got our kids iPads for Christmas. Would it be OK if we give Hudson one of the boys iPods for his birthday?" 

I must admit I was not keen on this idea right away.  Not that I was dead set against it either.  It just felt like a big step.  A milestone really for my nearly 9 year old to be entering into the world of personal tech gadgets.

Long story short we said yes, and Hudson received his present early since Auntie was visiting for the holidays.
I was not anticipating how entertaining and heart melting giving a kid the freedom of messaging would be.

 Day 1 with the iPod has been full of messages... from across the living room.  Some of the texts have been answers to my verbal questions.  A couple of times Hudson has sent me a message and then hunted me down to tell me that there was a spelling mistake and what he actually intended to send.  Way too cute right!?

There are of course boundaries that come with this freedom... and admittedly a few bribes... "You can have time with your iPod if you fold the laundry."

I am relieved to see that so far the canyon I thought I was leaping into with this new toy is not as deep as it seemed.

How about you?  Do your kids have their own iPods? Any tips for me?