How I'm Creating an Environment of Belonging

I've been on the road quite a bit over the last few day, and that has given me some multitasking moments to finish Daring Greatly by Brene` Brown ...on audio book... Don't worry, I am not so confident in my multitasking to think that I can read and drive at the same time.
Now I know I wrote about this same book last week, but it's had quite an impact on me... and well it's my blog and I'll write about what I want to write about. :)

So Brene` and I have been travelling around together and she is making some phenomenal points about whole heartedness and being the adult that I want my children to grow up to be... and then she brings up the difference between fitting in and belonging.

A Facebook status she wrote in 2012 sums it up quite well... 12 year old wisdom on fitting-in vs. belonging: "If I get to be me, I belong. If I have to be like you, it's fitting in." Amen. 

I don't often write about homeschooling on this blog... in fact I have a whole different blog for that... but I do write about mothering and sometimes the homeschool part of my parenting overflows.

One of the reasons I homeschool my children is because I want them to have the freedom to be who they want to be in a place where they feel like they belong no matter what.  I want them to be able to experiment with their mannerisms and tweak their personalities in a place where they feel safe to do so and are free from peer influence that may dictate that they experiment with other peoples behaviors, or be demoted to the bottom of the classroom pecking order.

The scary part is, after making a statement like that, I need to examine whether or not that is true in my home.

Ways I'm creating an environment of belonging well:

• I have been exploring who I am and modelling growth and positive change for my kids. Since January I have completed the Upstream Field Guide, I have been working through The Grief Recovery Handbook with a friend, and I have sought out books like Daring Greatly.  All of these courses and books are adding awesomeness to the way I think and move through life, and hopefully showing my kids that we never stop growing. 
• I'm empowering my kids to make their own choices. It's taken me 30 some odd years to be able make solid decisions about opportunities that come my way.  And I'm still not that confident about the my final verdicts.  I am starting early with my kids and letting them decide about a lot of the events and classes available to them.  Not all of them though... because really I am still the mom.  
• I try new things. On a recent trip to Vancouver I tried Ramen for the first time... did I love it? No... but how would I know unless I tried.  I didn't make my kids try it.  They ate tried and true pasta and meat sauce, but they saw me try it and I hope they took notice.  I've also taken a mug making class which inspired my 2 oldest children to sign up for a 10 week pottery course.  We are working o being adventurous together.
• I step back. Sometimes I have to hold my hands together to keep from "correcting" an art project. I have to close my lips about a "creative" outfit choice or hair style ... but I do it.  I do it because this is their time to figure out what they like and hopefully they will have a strong sense of what it means to belong vs. fit in. 
• I am available. As much as I step back, I am also there.  I am there to give guidance on a project.  I am there to hear the story of how so and so's heart was broken by an unkind sibling.  I am there to join in the grief and joy of their childhood.

I will try embrace this silliness

Ways I could improve our environment to be have more belonging:

• Embrace silly. I really struggle with silly.  The immature senses of humor of my 3, 6 and 9 year old children sometimes make me cringe, but if my goal is to allow my children to explore who they are in a loving and safe place... I need to get on board the funny ferry and laugh along.
• Talk about it. Working toward greater belonging just might go unnoticed if I don't actually inform the rest of my family of my goal... but telling people about your goal and then sometimes failing in front of them is a scary, vulnerable thing, which obviously makes it a conversation we need to have. 
• Asking for help. I tell my kids all the time... bring me your books, just ask me for help... but I'm not a very good example of this.  I really don't like to be the student and I am often stressed out to ask question to clarify things.  I don't like to look or feel stupid.

Brene` has a printable on her site called The Whole Hearted Parenting Manifesto.  It's a beautiful declaration of who I want to be as Hudson, Meadow and Delaney's mother.  I have plans to print and frame it. 

Is your home a place of belonging or of fitting in?  What are you doing well?

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I'm a Good Mom... And So Are You

There I am newly minted mom,
 believing I was wise beyond my 23
years on the planet.

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I started out as Babywise mom, I don't know if it was Gary Ezzo's advice on scheduling a baby's feeding and sleeping that made me feel like I knew 
what I was doing as a first time mom, or my own self inflated ego, but I was a know it all. I could tell you just exactly how to solve your child raising issues, because of course all babies are the same and all toddler behavior is completely manageable. If I wasn't telling you how to parent to your face... I was probably telling someone else behind your back. I was wrong.

When baby number 2 came along I was still semi clinging to the Ezzo method, but I had also adopted a whatever works attitude. That baby slept in her swing for months, even though the book warned that she would never learn to fall asleep on her own if we did that. She did.

Fast forward five and a half years from the first baby's arrival. Baby number 3 is born into the Scott family and I have tossed Babywise out the window. I have become a co-sleeping, baby wearing, feeding on demand mama. By the time that child became a two year old I had no certainties about how to navigate this mommy gig and resorted to chocolate and lattes to get me through the day and wine and snacks to unwind once my offspring were tucked in and drifting off to dream land. (Actually who am I kidding? I cracked that bottle as soon as Craig came through the door, home from work to be the responsible adult).

Each of my little ones had a different mama, and even though I wouldn't go back to or recommend some of those past parenting styles, I would say in every phase I was a good mom. In fact I am pretty sure that any mother practicing these or a number of other of parenting strategies that include love, caring and meeting their children's needs are good moms.

Brene` Brown in her book Daring Greatly writes “You can't claim to care about children if you're shaming other parents for the choices they are making.”

Can I get an amen?!

 As a mom when I feel shamed and judged I am way less likely to be in prime nurturing mode with my children or my husband. Shame makes us more prone to isolation, which leads to feelings of inadequacy, bitterness and anger. Not a great place to be when your job is love and kindness.

Don't do that to somebody's kid. Chances are that unless you are witnessing abuse, that thing that other mom is doing, that you of course would never do, is probably not a make or break choice in their child's life.  You think your friend's kids watch too much T.V. Get over it. That other mom at the park who is feeding her preschooler a fast food lunch and is making you cringe at the unhealthiness of her choice. Get over it. I homeschool. Get over it. We don't do team sports. Get over it. We're all doing something that some other mom doesn't agree with. Get over it.

In a stage of our lives when we already worry about whether or not we are screwing up our kids we certainly don't need jack ass opinions about the decisions that go into our child raising efforts. A friendly word of encouragement or a compassionate ear can go a long way in making another parent's child raising load seem lighter. When we feel like we are doing a good job the little things that can be blown out of proportion are better able to stay in their box of “it's not a big deal.” and we can focus on the things that actually matter.

There's no use crying over spilled coffee right?

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In Which I Have Enough

You are enough... It's a message we receive from many well intended Christian speakers, motivational bloggers and self help authors.  Yet it is ridiculously hard to believe... because even with Jesus it doesn't feel like I am enough.

I'm not organized enough.
I'm not wise enough.
I'm not fit enough.
I'm not happy enough.

I've been listening to Daring Greatly by Brene` Brown lately and in the first chapter she talks about how we live from a place of scarcity.  From the moment we wake up, before our toes even peek out from under the covers... we think things like "I didn't get enough sleep."  "I don't have enough time this morning."

Daring Greatly by Brene` Brown

This illusion of scarcity of enough keeps us locked in our comfort zones.  Thinking we aren't able to be vulnerable because we are not brave enough.

This gave me an idea.  As an aspiring minimalist I am very good at taking stock of my stuff... so what if I shifted my thoughts from what I am (or am not) enough of to what I have enough of.  For instance I have enough time everyday... it is my job to manage it.  I have enough creativity... it is my job to exercise it.

It is a way easier pill to swallow when I am looking at my resources and realizing that they are enough, instead of trying to create labels to stick to myself.

Now when I step back and look at my list I begin to feel confident.

Because I have enough creativity I can think up new and interesting things to write about.
Because I have enough patience (even though Lord knows I am always praying for more) I can close my eyes and take a deep breath (or 10) before I speak.
Because I have enough time I can make a list of priorities and do the things in my life that are important to me.
Because I have enough courage I can step outside my comfort zone.  I can be vulnerable.
Because I have enough... I can be grateful.

What do you feel like is scarce in your life?  What do you realize you actually have enough of?

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